1
00:00:06,622 --> 00:00:10,377
♪ I would like to leave this city

2
00:00:10,423 --> 00:00:15,133
♪ This old town don't smell
too pretty and

3
00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:18,938
♪ I can feel the warning signs

4
00:00:18,984 --> 00:00:22,693
♪ Running around my mind

5
00:00:23,745 --> 00:00:26,384
♪ So what do you say?

6
00:00:26,425 --> 00:00:31,102
♪ You can't give me the dreams
that are mine anyway

7
00:00:31,146 --> 00:00:34,456
♪ You're half the world away

8
00:00:35,666 --> 00:00:38,500
♪ Half the world away... ♪

9
00:00:40,227 --> 00:00:43,663
♪ Happy birthday to you

10
00:00:43,748 --> 00:00:47,263
♪ Happy birthday to you

11
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:52,064
♪ Happy birthday, Baby David

12
00:00:52,109 --> 00:00:56,227
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

13
00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:03,387
OK, that's enough celebration.

14
00:01:03,430 --> 00:01:05,626
Lurch! Shift your arse up to bed.
Come on.

15
00:01:05,671 --> 00:01:07,866
Jim, it's Christmas Day!

16
00:01:07,911 --> 00:01:11,541
- Come on, birthday boy.
- Come here, Baby David.

17
00:01:11,592 --> 00:01:14,470
- Say bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Baby David.

18
00:01:15,152 --> 00:01:17,747
Bye-bye, Baby David.

19
00:01:18,233 --> 00:01:20,189
Bye-bye, Baby David.

20
00:01:21,193 --> 00:01:23,343
Bye-bye, Baby David.

21
00:01:23,393 --> 00:01:26,033
Bye-bye, Baby David.

22
00:01:27,834 --> 00:01:29,904
Bye-bye, Daby Babid.

23
00:01:33,875 --> 00:01:36,150
- You all right, Nan, there?
- Yes, love.

24
00:01:36,195 --> 00:01:38,869
I'm gonna clear up later.
Let's have a ciggy.

25
00:01:38,916 --> 00:01:40,872
Yeah.

26
00:01:43,316 --> 00:01:45,877
- Here you are, love.
- Oh, ta.

27
00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:49,153
- Denise?
- Yeah?

28
00:01:50,837 --> 00:01:53,557
Do you think they'll want to sit down
or stand up?

29
00:01:54,558 --> 00:01:56,833
Well, remember, they are vegetarians.

30
00:01:56,878 --> 00:01:59,109
So... they'll probably want to sit down.

31
00:01:59,159 --> 00:02:01,115
Oh, yeah.

32
00:02:02,799 --> 00:02:06,031
I've done tinned salmon
and some hard-boiled eggs.

33
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,150
What else do they eat, Denise?

34
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,038
You could make turkey sandwiches
for everyone.

35
00:02:12,081 --> 00:02:15,118
Then they can just
take the turkey out themselves.

36
00:02:15,161 --> 00:02:17,152
Ooh, yeah.

37
00:02:18,122 --> 00:02:20,636
What are you
going to all that trouble for?

38
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,071
They're only popping in
for ten bloody minutes.

39
00:02:23,122 --> 00:02:26,911
- Jim, I'm only doing a finger buffet.
- Oh, finger, my arse!

40
00:02:26,963 --> 00:02:28,954
Oh!

41
00:02:32,324 --> 00:02:36,442
Hey hey! You havir that, Dave?
Finger my arse!

42
00:02:36,484 --> 00:02:38,999
Good one, that, James.

43
00:02:39,045 --> 00:02:43,436
'Ey, we don't want any of that talk
when Emma's mam and dad are here.

44
00:02:43,485 --> 00:02:46,876
We saw it swimming
underneath the bridge, just there.

45
00:02:46,926 --> 00:02:49,360
And I realised it was a seal.

46
00:02:49,406 --> 00:02:51,715
Rhodri Williams takes up the story.

47
00:02:51,767 --> 00:02:54,076
The seals attracted quite a crowd.

48
00:02:54,127 --> 00:02:58,484
As night approached,
they seemed to be getting sorted.

49
00:02:58,528 --> 00:03:00,519
The RSPCA were worried by now.

50
00:03:00,568 --> 00:03:04,561
I joined Inspector Dave Fox
when he came to take a closer look at it.

51
00:03:04,608 --> 00:03:06,759
Ooh!

52
00:03:06,809 --> 00:03:10,688
Somebody's brought Baby David
200 Benson.

53
00:03:10,729 --> 00:03:13,119
Oh, yeah. That was Cheryl.

54
00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:17,240
She asked what she should get him,
and I said Bensons.

55
00:03:17,290 --> 00:03:19,282
- Aw.
- Yeah.

56
00:03:20,531 --> 00:03:26,084
Aw, just think, Denise. This time
last year, you were pushing him out.

57
00:03:26,132 --> 00:03:29,363
- Who?
- Baby David.

58
00:03:29,412 --> 00:03:32,928
- Oh, yeah.
- Aah!

59
00:03:32,973 --> 00:03:35,771
- What's the next step?
- I don't want to leave him.

60
00:03:35,813 --> 00:03:38,486
He's in a pretty vulnerable position here.

61
00:03:38,533 --> 00:03:41,970
So what we'll do is,
we'll take him out to Putney,

62
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:43,891
and get the vet to have a look at him.

63
00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:47,132
And then we'll see about
getting him to either Norfolk or...

64
00:03:47,175 --> 00:03:49,245
I do like this top, Denise.

65
00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:51,286
- Do you?
- Yeah.

66
00:03:51,335 --> 00:03:54,055
- Baby David bought it me.
- Did he?

67
00:03:54,096 --> 00:03:55,688
Well, I say he bought it.

68
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,534
I took the money
out of his post office account.

69
00:03:58,576 --> 00:04:01,455
But I'll put it back again
when I'm straight, you know.

70
00:04:01,497 --> 00:04:05,809
Yeah. How much has he got left
in there now?

71
00:04:05,857 --> 00:04:11,854
Well, what with the expensive Christmas
and, you know, my highlights, nothing.

72
00:04:11,898 --> 00:04:13,890
Oh.

73
00:04:15,499 --> 00:04:17,694
What did you get him for Christmas?

74
00:04:17,739 --> 00:04:20,732
- Dave made him something. Didrt you?
- Yeah.

75
00:04:20,780 --> 00:04:23,340
- Did you, Dave?
- Have you, lad?

76
00:04:23,380 --> 00:04:27,932
Yeah, I made him a garage
out of one of Denise's old shoe boxes.

77
00:04:27,981 --> 00:04:32,736
And I used a couple of her old heated
rollers, you know, for the car wash.

78
00:04:32,781 --> 00:04:35,615
Oh, Dave, you're dead handy, aren't you?

79
00:04:35,662 --> 00:04:38,381
Dead bloody tight!

80
00:04:39,783 --> 00:04:45,301
I also made him a couple of petrol
pumps out of some old matchboxes.

81
00:04:45,343 --> 00:04:48,893
- It's even got unleaded!
- Ooh!

82
00:04:48,944 --> 00:04:51,822
- You've got to, for the environment.
- Yeah.

83
00:04:52,704 --> 00:04:55,742
- I put a diesel pump in there, as well.
- Did you?

84
00:04:55,785 --> 00:04:58,618
Mmm. You know, for diesel cars.

85
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:02,420
- Ooh.
- And trucks. And lorries.

86
00:05:02,466 --> 00:05:05,583
And types of tractors that use diesel.

87
00:05:05,626 --> 00:05:09,222
All right, Dave! We get the bloody idea
about the diesel. Bloody hell!

88
00:05:10,707 --> 00:05:15,862
Why didn't you make a little terror to rob
the cars, while they're in there paying?

89
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:24,339
- Right, he's gone to sleep.
- Aw.

90
00:05:26,549 --> 00:05:30,589
Aw, Darren, thanks for that car stereo.

91
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:34,544
You couldn't nick us a bloody car
to go with it, could you, son?

92
00:05:37,871 --> 00:05:43,469
Oh, Darren, I bet you're thinking
about your brother today, aren't you?

93
00:05:43,512 --> 00:05:46,709
- Do they get a Christmas meal inside?
- I don't know, Barbara.

94
00:05:46,752 --> 00:05:50,029
Oh. Don't they get Christmas leave,
Darren?

95
00:05:50,073 --> 00:05:53,349
He was offered it, but he wanted
to stay in prison with his mates.

96
00:05:53,393 --> 00:05:58,832
Ooh! Imagine spending
Christmas Day inside, Darren.

97
00:05:59,954 --> 00:06:03,709
Do you know, some people
don't celebrate Christmas at all.

98
00:06:03,755 --> 00:06:05,746
What? Like me dad?

99
00:06:09,076 --> 00:06:10,145
Wahey!

100
00:06:10,196 --> 00:06:11,185
Boo!

101
00:06:13,076 --> 00:06:17,116
Why didn't you have your Christmas
dinner in your own home, Darren?

102
00:06:17,157 --> 00:06:20,833
- Oh, Mam!
- Me mum's still poorly.

103
00:06:20,878 --> 00:06:24,666
- Me dad couldn't be arsed.
- Savir his money, more bloody like it!

104
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,390
How is your mam?

105
00:06:26,438 --> 00:06:28,555
- Is she still on sick leave?
- Yeah.

106
00:06:28,599 --> 00:06:30,669
Aw. Has she had any visitors?

107
00:06:30,719 --> 00:06:32,710
Only the bailiffs!

108
00:06:33,959 --> 00:06:36,918
You're probably better off here,
then, son.

109
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,315
Yeah, there's nowt to sit on
at our house.

110
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,113
Hey, I'll soon get that sorted.

111
00:06:41,161 --> 00:06:45,916
I've got a mate at DFS, but they're shut
now. I'll have to wait till after Christmas.

112
00:06:45,961 --> 00:06:47,918
Where's your dad sitting, then?

113
00:06:47,962 --> 00:06:49,953
In the pub.

114
00:06:54,523 --> 00:06:58,152
Ooh, we are still coming to yours
for Boxing Day, aren't we, Denise?

115
00:06:58,203 --> 00:07:00,000
I'm really looking forward to it.

116
00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:04,913
It'll be the first time we've ever done
something like that on Boxing Day.

117
00:07:05,724 --> 00:07:08,876
The thing is, I haven't really had time
to get anything in.

118
00:07:08,925 --> 00:07:11,758
Shall I do something
and bring it round?

119
00:07:11,805 --> 00:07:14,524
Yeah, yeah.

120
00:07:14,565 --> 00:07:18,036
Actually, that's a right load
of messing about.

121
00:07:18,086 --> 00:07:21,317
I think it'd be better for you
if we all came here again.

122
00:07:21,366 --> 00:07:24,359
- Is that all right, Mam?
- Yeah.

123
00:07:24,407 --> 00:07:26,682
Bloody hell!

124
00:07:31,408 --> 00:07:34,684
Lurch, come on, son,
answer the bloody door!

125
00:07:34,728 --> 00:07:36,799
Leave them there, Barb.

126
00:07:41,610 --> 00:07:44,807
Hello, Em. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

127
00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:47,842
- Hello, Valerie.
- Happy Christmas, Antony.

128
00:07:47,890 --> 00:07:50,200
- Hello, Antony. All the best, mate.
- Hiya.

129
00:07:50,251 --> 00:07:52,481
Hiya!

130
00:07:52,531 --> 00:07:55,729
This is my mum, Valerie.

131
00:07:55,772 --> 00:07:58,366
Mum, this is Mr and Mrs Royle,
Jim and Barbara.

132
00:07:58,412 --> 00:08:00,687
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Jim.

133
00:08:00,732 --> 00:08:02,769
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Barbara.

134
00:08:02,813 --> 00:08:05,452
- And this is my dad, Roger.
- Hello, Roger.

135
00:08:05,493 --> 00:08:07,131
- Hello, Jim.
- Hello, Roger.

136
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:08,322
Hello, Barbara.

137
00:08:08,373 --> 00:08:11,127
- This is Denise and David.
- Hello, Valerie.

138
00:08:11,174 --> 00:08:12,971
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Roger.

139
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:14,970
- Hello, Denise.
- Hello, Valerie.

140
00:08:15,014 --> 00:08:16,812
- Hello, David.
- Hello, Roger.

141
00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:19,449
- Hello, David.
- That's Nana over there.

142
00:08:20,095 --> 00:08:22,405
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Nana.

143
00:08:22,456 --> 00:08:24,447
Hello, Roger.

144
00:08:24,496 --> 00:08:27,056
- Hello, Nana.
- And this is Darren.

145
00:08:27,096 --> 00:08:28,928
- Hello, Valerie.
- Hello, Darren.

146
00:08:28,977 --> 00:08:30,933
- Hello, Roger.
- Hello, Darren.

147
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:33,650
Ooh, isn't this lovely?

148
00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:39,052
Oh, can I take your coat, Valerie?
Antony, get Roger's.

149
00:08:39,898 --> 00:08:41,650
- Sorry.
- You all right, mate?

150
00:08:43,499 --> 00:08:45,490
Cheers.

151
00:08:45,539 --> 00:08:47,575
- Is it real leather, Valerie?
- Yeah.

152
00:08:47,619 --> 00:08:50,418
Ooh. Well, come on, then.
Come and sit down.

153
00:08:50,460 --> 00:08:53,418
Come on, everybody.
Jim, put some music on.

154
00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,178
Jim. Jim!

155
00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:57,212
All right, Barb. Bloody hell.

156
00:08:58,461 --> 00:09:03,252
- Can I sit next to Valerie?
- Yes. Do you want to sit there, Valerie?

157
00:09:03,302 --> 00:09:04,940
- You sit there, Mam.
- Ta, love.

158
00:09:04,982 --> 00:09:07,291
Denise, will you help me with that?

159
00:09:07,342 --> 00:09:10,380
- There you go, Jim.
- Ooh, lovely. Bottle of Moet.

160
00:09:10,423 --> 00:09:14,302
There you go, Dave.
Hide that till the bugger's gone.

161
00:09:15,943 --> 00:09:18,981
- You having a cig, Rog?
- Yeah, might as well.

162
00:09:21,024 --> 00:09:24,779
- I have a friend called Valerie.
- Oh, have you?

163
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,895
Sadly, she's been sectioned.

164
00:09:26,945 --> 00:09:29,506
♪ We're here tonight

165
00:09:29,546 --> 00:09:31,537
♪ And that's enough... ♪

166
00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:35,055
Your Roger's a big, fat lad, irt he?

167
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:41,377
♪ Simply having
a wonderful Christmas time ♪

168
00:09:44,028 --> 00:09:47,145
- Would you like a hard-boiled egg?
- Oh, thanks.

169
00:09:47,188 --> 00:09:50,067
- What about you, Jim? What do you do?
- Oh, I was laid off.

170
00:09:50,109 --> 00:09:53,419
Bloody Thatcher, wasrt it?
You know the game.

171
00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:56,906
The next think I knew,
I was on my way to the bloody dance.

172
00:09:56,950 --> 00:09:58,941
What dance was that?

173
00:09:58,990 --> 00:10:00,981
The redun-dance!

174
00:10:04,431 --> 00:10:06,422
The redun-dance!

175
00:10:08,311 --> 00:10:11,827
Since then,
I haven't had a single bloody offer.

176
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,705
- So you've applied for stuff?
- What's the use at my age?

177
00:10:14,752 --> 00:10:16,709
I'm on the scrapheap, aren't I?

178
00:10:16,753 --> 00:10:20,666
I did have a little overnight security job,
but, well...

179
00:10:20,713 --> 00:10:24,866
I got caught on camera, sleeping,
so I couldn't even bloody deny it.

180
00:10:24,914 --> 00:10:27,109
Right.

181
00:10:27,154 --> 00:10:29,429
Mmm. And I do love to work,
you know, lad.

182
00:10:29,474 --> 00:10:31,466
Whoo, I'm a bloody grafter!

183
00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:33,904
Anyone round here'll tell you that.

184
00:10:35,755 --> 00:10:39,431
- Hey, I'm always looking for blokes...
- No, no, no, you're all right.

185
00:10:39,476 --> 00:10:43,629
I've got far too much to do now, what
with Barbara working and a big family.

186
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:46,237
Well, you know what it's like, Rog.

187
00:10:47,197 --> 00:10:49,472
Come on, everybody.
Time for crackers.

188
00:10:49,517 --> 00:10:51,554
- Ooh!
- Antony, Emma!

189
00:10:51,598 --> 00:10:53,589
Darren! Come on, crackers!

190
00:10:53,638 --> 00:10:58,872
Who do you want to pull your cracker
with? Do you want to pull it with Darren?

191
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:01,752
No! I don't want
to pull me cracker with Darren.

192
00:11:01,799 --> 00:11:06,078
- Who do you want to pull it with, then?
- Well, I was hoping for Valerie.

193
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,112
Oh. Yeah, well, pull it with Valerie, then.

194
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,071
You two can pull yours together.

195
00:11:12,121 --> 00:11:14,999
Barbara,
who am I going to pull my cracker with?

196
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,795
Well, with Denise, Dave. She is your wife.

197
00:11:19,802 --> 00:11:22,680
Roger, do you mind pulling yours
with Jim?

198
00:11:22,722 --> 00:11:23,711
Oh, right, yeah.

199
00:11:23,762 --> 00:11:28,439
Can't we just pull the bloody thing?
This bloody Christmas, it's a racket!

200
00:11:28,483 --> 00:11:29,996
You're right there, mate.

201
00:11:30,043 --> 00:11:32,717
Darren, you haven't got anyone
to pull yours with.

202
00:11:32,764 --> 00:11:36,598
Darren can pull his own.
He's used to that.

203
00:11:36,644 --> 00:11:39,000
You havir that, Davey?

204
00:11:39,805 --> 00:11:44,037
Ooh, Darren, you can pull yours with me.
Now, is everybody ready?

205
00:11:44,085 --> 00:11:46,077
Right. Everybody? Ready?

206
00:11:46,766 --> 00:11:48,199
Right.

207
00:11:48,246 --> 00:11:49,804
Three...

208
00:11:49,846 --> 00:11:51,121
two...

209
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:52,885
one... pull.

210
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:58,078
Ooh!

211
00:12:00,808 --> 00:12:02,764
Ooooh!

212
00:12:02,808 --> 00:12:04,925
Barbara, can I have that box?

213
00:12:04,969 --> 00:12:09,406
- Yeah. What for, Dave?
- I want to make Baby David an ice rink.

214
00:12:09,449 --> 00:12:10,928
Aw!

215
00:12:13,970 --> 00:12:15,483
Valerie, hat!

216
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,284
- Roger, hat!
- Oh, right.

217
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:27,285
Valerie's got the same colour as me.

218
00:12:27,332 --> 00:12:28,731
Yeah.

219
00:12:28,772 --> 00:12:30,763
Isn't that lovely?

220
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,572
Mum? Can we go in the kitchen
for a ciggy?

221
00:12:35,613 --> 00:12:37,604
Yeah, course. Off you go.

222
00:12:45,815 --> 00:12:47,806
God, Emma, I'm sorry about me dad.

223
00:12:47,855 --> 00:12:50,050
No, God, I'm sorry about my dad.

224
00:12:53,616 --> 00:12:55,607
I'm sorry about my dad, then.

225
00:12:56,456 --> 00:12:58,448
What?

226
00:13:01,097 --> 00:13:05,728
We've looked at a little terrace for Emma
and Antony for when the baby's born.

227
00:13:05,778 --> 00:13:09,088
Roger and I thought, you know,
we could all chip in.

228
00:13:09,138 --> 00:13:11,368
Well...

229
00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:15,617
All chip in for a terraced house?
Bloody hell, you're joking, aren't you?

230
00:13:15,659 --> 00:13:18,173
They can have Denise's old room.
Bloody hell!

231
00:13:18,219 --> 00:13:21,576
We can pay for it, but we don't
want you to think we're taking over.

232
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:25,169
Oh, no, no, you take over
as much as you want, love.

233
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:29,100
I'm thinking we should have
the baby delivered privately.

234
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,291
The NHS just churn anything out.

235
00:13:31,341 --> 00:13:34,254
Well, Denise and Dave went NHS
for little Baby David.

236
00:13:34,302 --> 00:13:37,180
So, well, I've got no complaints
about the NHS.

237
00:13:37,222 --> 00:13:40,533
We'll pay for it. You just want the best
for your kids, don't you?

238
00:13:40,583 --> 00:13:42,813
Oh, yeah, I totally bloody agree with you.

239
00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,742
The NHS has gone
completely down the bloody pan.

240
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:50,255
We're talking about a newborn baby
here, not a bag of bloody crisps.

241
00:13:51,384 --> 00:13:54,422
Er... this week I'd like to er...

242
00:13:54,465 --> 00:13:57,138
nominate... er... Sada.

243
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,699
Wahey!

244
00:14:00,746 --> 00:14:02,737
Sada.

245
00:14:03,706 --> 00:14:06,096
He's class. Sad-a.

246
00:14:06,147 --> 00:14:09,298
Oh, yes,
I've gone from a B to a D, Barbara.

247
00:14:09,347 --> 00:14:11,815
- What's she had done?
- Implants, Nana.

248
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:16,146
Ooh, are you all right,
sitting in that hard-backed chair, Valerie?

249
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,179
- Oh, yes.
- Oh.

250
00:14:18,828 --> 00:14:21,548
Oh, they're lovely, Valerie.

251
00:14:22,469 --> 00:14:26,224
Jim, don't Valerie's implants look lovely?

252
00:14:27,070 --> 00:14:29,584
They're great, them, Valerie.

253
00:14:33,711 --> 00:14:36,020
Lovely, them, Valerie.

254
00:14:36,071 --> 00:14:37,106
Dave?

255
00:14:37,151 --> 00:14:40,110
- Mm?
- Arert they lovely?

256
00:14:41,312 --> 00:14:44,224
Yeah, they're smashing, them... er...

257
00:14:44,272 --> 00:14:46,662
two, Valerie.

258
00:14:46,713 --> 00:14:51,104
Oh, Valerie, Mary next door
will be really sick she's missed 'em.

259
00:14:51,153 --> 00:14:54,783
- I got her them for Christmas, you know.
- Oh, well done.

260
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:56,950
She didn't want them.
She wanted a Dyson.

261
00:14:56,994 --> 00:15:00,783
- Oh, well, I'd love a Dyson.
- I'd love a Dyson.

262
00:15:00,835 --> 00:15:02,791
Actually, I did get a Dyson as well.

263
00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:10,275
Oh, Valerie, what a Christmas!
Implants and a Dyson!

264
00:15:10,316 --> 00:15:15,835
It was in the paper about a woman who
had implants. She went on an aircraft.

265
00:15:15,877 --> 00:15:19,552
And her implants blew up the aircraft!

266
00:15:19,597 --> 00:15:24,308
No, they didn't blow up the plane, Mam.
They just popped out of her bra.

267
00:15:26,038 --> 00:15:27,995
Valerie, Valerie...

268
00:15:28,039 --> 00:15:32,669
Did they say anything about aircraft
when they installed your implants?

269
00:15:33,279 --> 00:15:35,236
No.

270
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,750
Barbara, didn't Elsie next door
have implants?

271
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,837
- No, eggplants, Mam.
- Oh.

272
00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:47,434
Erm... Valerie, I wanted to have a breast
reduction, but Dave wouldn't let me.

273
00:15:48,282 --> 00:15:51,274
Well, he works long hours, Denise.

274
00:15:51,322 --> 00:15:53,883
- Be fair.
- Yeah.

275
00:15:56,443 --> 00:15:59,401
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.

276
00:15:59,443 --> 00:16:01,674
Irt she, Denise? Lovely and slim!

277
00:16:01,724 --> 00:16:04,761
Oh, yeah, Valerie.
You're lovely and slim, Valerie.

278
00:16:04,804 --> 00:16:07,603
Roger treated me to liposuction
for my birthday.

279
00:16:07,645 --> 00:16:09,840
- I had my thighs and my tummy done.
- Oooh!

280
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,001
Ooh! Liposuction!

281
00:16:12,045 --> 00:16:17,404
- Oh, I'd love liposuction.
- Oh, yeah, I'd love liposuction.

282
00:16:17,446 --> 00:16:19,004
So would I.

283
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:21,641
What is it exactly, Valerie?

284
00:16:21,687 --> 00:16:25,157
A technique where they suck out
the fatty deposits in your body.

285
00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:30,805
Oh! Think of Cheryl next door. She could
do with some liposuction, couldn't she?

286
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:33,999
You could always borrow
Valerie's Dyson!

287
00:16:36,409 --> 00:16:39,401
Are you having that one, David?
Are you?

288
00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:47,000
He's class. Sad-a!

289
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:51,408
This week,
I would like to nominate er... Sarder.

290
00:16:52,451 --> 00:16:54,443
I tell you what, Valerie.

291
00:16:54,492 --> 00:16:57,609
If you want to nip into the bakery
where I work,

292
00:16:57,652 --> 00:17:02,283
I'll slip you a couple of ice fingers
for free. It's what I do for Mary.

293
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,927
I charge her for two, but I give her four.

294
00:17:06,533 --> 00:17:11,005
It's stealing, really, but well,
it's only ice fingers, irt it?

295
00:17:14,735 --> 00:17:17,203
Have you got a nice house, Valerie?

296
00:17:17,255 --> 00:17:19,610
Oh, yeah, it's lovely.

297
00:17:19,655 --> 00:17:23,410
We're in the middle of building
a little annexe to put my mother in.

298
00:17:28,457 --> 00:17:31,972
- You ever been on a cruise, Jim?
- Erm... Oh, no, no, no.

299
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,928
We're going on a cruise this year.

300
00:17:33,977 --> 00:17:35,730
- Bloody hell.
- Roger!

301
00:17:35,778 --> 00:17:39,817
Takes in all the Med,
then we jump on the Orient Express.

302
00:17:39,858 --> 00:17:42,134
- Ever been on the Orient Express, Jim?
- No.

303
00:17:42,179 --> 00:17:45,649
Oh, there's a lot of murders
on the Orient Express.

304
00:17:45,699 --> 00:17:48,817
You want to watch it on that.
Irt that right, Barbara?

305
00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:52,978
- What?
- There's murders on the Orient Express.

306
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:57,538
- Ever dabble on the stock market, Jim?
- No, no.

307
00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:00,497
What a very easy way
to make a lot of money!

308
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,851
Once, I made more in a day
than I made in a year.

309
00:18:06,422 --> 00:18:10,018
- Ever heard of the Masons, Jim?
- The Masors Arms!

310
00:18:10,063 --> 00:18:13,021
No, the Freemasons.
Hey, it comes in handy.

311
00:18:13,063 --> 00:18:17,182
I had a court case. I took it to the lodge
and the police evidence disappeared.

312
00:18:17,224 --> 00:18:20,341
Bloody hell, Dave!
Darren should join the bloody Masons!

313
00:18:23,665 --> 00:18:27,101
Tell you what. Valerie, you organise this.
We'll get 'em on the boat.

314
00:18:28,425 --> 00:18:32,339
It's a 42-footer, you know.

315
00:18:32,386 --> 00:18:34,581
Has it got a toilet?

316
00:18:35,707 --> 00:18:37,106
She got two.

317
00:18:38,907 --> 00:18:42,901
That's great, because
my hovercraft's still being repaired.

318
00:18:43,708 --> 00:18:46,984
Hey, I'm only from a place like this.
I'm a self-made man.

319
00:18:47,028 --> 00:18:49,224
Wasrt my mam's place as bad as this?

320
00:18:49,269 --> 00:18:51,863
I mean, I didn't have a pot to piss in, me.

321
00:18:51,909 --> 00:18:53,900
And look at me now.

322
00:18:59,230 --> 00:19:00,868
Sada!

323
00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:02,343
- Sade.
- Sada.

324
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,143
- Sade.
- Nominate Sada.

325
00:19:04,191 --> 00:19:06,182
Nominate Sade.

326
00:19:08,031 --> 00:19:10,785
- Do you like football, Jim?
- Oh, I love it.

327
00:19:10,832 --> 00:19:13,630
- I've got a box at Old Trafford.
- Get away!

328
00:19:13,672 --> 00:19:17,461
And I've got one at Maine Road. I do
some of my best deals in them boxes.

329
00:19:17,513 --> 00:19:19,663
Ooh!

330
00:19:21,673 --> 00:19:24,632
Do you know who we see a lot of,
socially?

331
00:19:24,674 --> 00:19:26,027
Joe Longthorne.

332
00:19:28,274 --> 00:19:32,268
I mean, I don't care for him much, me.
He's a bit of a show-off.

333
00:19:32,315 --> 00:19:35,864
Joe Longthorne!

334
00:19:39,876 --> 00:19:42,470
Do you get up to the Lake District much,
Jim?

335
00:19:42,516 --> 00:19:44,747
Not that lately.

336
00:19:44,797 --> 00:19:47,595
We've got what I call our second home,
you know.

337
00:19:47,637 --> 00:19:49,708
It's more of a country retreat, really.

338
00:19:49,758 --> 00:19:52,636
Have you, Roger?
A country retreat!

339
00:19:52,678 --> 00:19:54,669
Oooh!

340
00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,079
Valerie, would you like a snowball?

341
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,678
Oh, no, thanks.

342
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,111
Oh, can I have another snowball,
Barbara?

343
00:20:10,161 --> 00:20:13,358
- With a bit of brandy in it.
- Right.

344
00:20:13,401 --> 00:20:17,236
Barbara, I'd like more brandy
than snowball, please.

345
00:20:20,522 --> 00:20:23,674
Oh, yeah, show Darren that tummy scan.

346
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,078
- Oh, yeah.
- Show you something, mate.

347
00:20:26,123 --> 00:20:28,114
Look at that.

348
00:20:29,043 --> 00:20:31,114
It's top, innit?

349
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,155
Yeah, it's top, that, mate.

350
00:20:35,084 --> 00:20:36,722
What is it?

351
00:20:36,765 --> 00:20:38,801
It's a scan of the baby. Here.

352
00:20:39,885 --> 00:20:41,876
Oh... oh, right.

353
00:20:41,925 --> 00:20:43,723
And there's its head.

354
00:20:43,766 --> 00:20:45,757
- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah.

355
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,601
Hey, I think it's a boy, Ant.

356
00:20:49,646 --> 00:20:52,445
- No, that's its leg.
- Oh. Oh, right.

357
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,997
- Em...
- Oh, yeah. Erm...

358
00:20:57,048 --> 00:21:01,997
Actually, Darren, me and Antony
had something we wanted to ask you.

359
00:21:02,048 --> 00:21:04,279
We'd like you to be the godfather.

360
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:08,158
- If that's all right.
- Me?

361
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,845
- Really?
- Yeah.

362
00:21:14,890 --> 00:21:16,881
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.

363
00:21:16,930 --> 00:21:19,240
Aw, mate!

364
00:21:20,131 --> 00:21:25,525
Absolutely made up. I am. Nobody's
ever asked me to do anything like this.

365
00:21:25,572 --> 00:21:27,802
- Aw, mate.
- Oh, Daz.

366
00:21:27,852 --> 00:21:30,161
No, it'd be an honour, mate.

367
00:21:35,493 --> 00:21:38,088
- Cheers, Emma.
- It's all right.

368
00:21:38,134 --> 00:21:40,568
Cheers, Antony.

369
00:21:40,614 --> 00:21:42,605
Cheers, mate.

370
00:21:43,574 --> 00:21:45,691
You're going to be the godfather.

371
00:21:45,735 --> 00:21:47,805
I'm going to be your godfather.

372
00:21:49,135 --> 00:21:51,934
Like er... Don Darren.

373
00:21:51,976 --> 00:21:54,615
I made you an offer you couldn't refuse.

374
00:21:58,537 --> 00:22:00,846
I'm absolutely made up. I really am.

375
00:22:01,977 --> 00:22:03,968
Yes!

376
00:22:05,538 --> 00:22:07,847
- There's the Jag, Jim. See it?
- Mm.

377
00:22:07,898 --> 00:22:09,570
See the numberplate, ROG1?

378
00:22:11,659 --> 00:22:15,334
- Bloody lovely, that, lad.
- It's just a runabout, really.

379
00:22:15,379 --> 00:22:18,531
I've got a classic Aston Martin
in the garage at home.

380
00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:21,970
It's just a bit of a toy, really,
but it's nice to have, innit?

381
00:22:22,020 --> 00:22:24,170
Too bloody true, it is, lad, yeah.

382
00:22:26,581 --> 00:22:30,494
Do you know, I stay at a lot of hotels?
I'm away on various jobs.

383
00:22:30,541 --> 00:22:33,056
You know the first thing I do, Jim?

384
00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:37,095
I check in and then I pop upstairs
and I check the old TV.

385
00:22:37,942 --> 00:22:41,060
- You know what I mean?
- Too right, Rog, yeah.

386
00:22:41,103 --> 00:22:44,539
Know what I watched the other night?
I went to one of them lap dancing clubs.

387
00:22:44,583 --> 00:22:47,940
- What are they like, then?
- You pay a tenner and you see the lot.

388
00:22:47,984 --> 00:22:51,181
- A tenner?
- Yeah, but you can't touch, like.

389
00:22:51,224 --> 00:22:53,420
- A tenner and you can't touch?
- No.

390
00:22:53,465 --> 00:22:56,741
Can you keep
your hands in your pockets?

391
00:22:56,785 --> 00:22:59,584
Shh! And I've got this woman
I see in Hale, right?

392
00:22:59,626 --> 00:23:04,097
She calls herself a stress manager.
You know what I'm saying?

393
00:23:04,146 --> 00:23:06,138
She specialises in Masons.

394
00:23:06,187 --> 00:23:08,178
She does all of us.

395
00:23:09,227 --> 00:23:11,104
Oh, Jim, she knows some tricks.

396
00:23:11,147 --> 00:23:14,106
She does things to me
that Valerie couldn't even dream of.

397
00:23:14,148 --> 00:23:16,139
Go 'way!

398
00:23:17,588 --> 00:23:21,377
She lets me do things to her you
wouldn't even do to a farmyard animal!

399
00:23:21,429 --> 00:23:24,546
Come on, Rog, come on!
You're havir me on.

400
00:23:24,589 --> 00:23:26,546
Roger...

401
00:23:26,590 --> 00:23:29,662
I made a farmyard for Baby David.

402
00:23:29,710 --> 00:23:31,701
Bloody hell, Dave!

403
00:23:35,951 --> 00:23:40,230
I'll start robbing now from Mothercare
so it's all ready for him when he's born.

404
00:23:40,272 --> 00:23:44,504
- Nice one. Cheers, mate.
- Emma, your mam and dad are going.

405
00:23:44,552 --> 00:23:47,021
Ant, will you get Roger's coat, love?

406
00:23:47,073 --> 00:23:50,861
Oh, Emma, she's just lovely, your mam.

407
00:23:51,793 --> 00:23:54,786
- Here you are, Valerie.
- Oh, thanks.

408
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:58,270
Oh, it's been really, really lovely
meeting you both.

409
00:23:58,314 --> 00:23:59,543
And you.

410
00:23:59,595 --> 00:24:03,031
Ooh, we'll all have to come
to your house next time.

411
00:24:03,075 --> 00:24:05,191
Thanks, Antony.

412
00:24:05,235 --> 00:24:08,069
- Do you like this coat, Jim?
- Bloody smasher, that.

413
00:24:08,116 --> 00:24:11,108
Not much change out
of a grand, these.

414
00:24:11,156 --> 00:24:14,194
It's been lovely having you, young man.
God bless you.

415
00:24:14,237 --> 00:24:17,434
It's great when two families
get on so well. Thank you, Emma.

416
00:24:17,477 --> 00:24:19,149
- All the best.
- You take care.

417
00:24:19,198 --> 00:24:23,111
Thank you, Valerie.
All the best, love. All the best, now.

418
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:29,034
- All the best.
- See you, pal.

419
00:24:29,079 --> 00:24:32,151
- See you, Emma.
- See you, Roger. Take care.

420
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,429
Ta-ra, Emma, love.

421
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,471
All the best, Rogie!

422
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:41,709
♪... Christmas

423
00:24:41,761 --> 00:24:46,233
♪ Just like the ones I used to know ♪

424
00:24:46,282 --> 00:24:48,352
Eurgh! He's a bigheaded get, him!

425
00:24:48,402 --> 00:24:52,475
It'll take him ten minutes to get in the car
with his bloody big head!

426
00:24:52,522 --> 00:24:56,675
His house, his car and his bloody yacht.
Even his poor, bloody wife!

427
00:24:56,723 --> 00:24:59,921
And I tell you what. I'd love to meet
bloody Joe Longthorne.

428
00:24:59,964 --> 00:25:03,195
- But as for you, Dave Best!
- What?

429
00:25:03,244 --> 00:25:08,365
You were all over him like a bloody rash,
you lanky, whiffling-arsed nose licker!

430
00:25:08,405 --> 00:25:10,555
- I'm going upstairs.
- What for?

431
00:25:10,605 --> 00:25:16,044
What for? To check the helicopter pad
for his next flying bloody visit!

432
00:25:16,086 --> 00:25:19,795
♪... Christmas card I write

433
00:25:19,847 --> 00:25:21,917
♪ May your days... ♪

434
00:25:21,967 --> 00:25:25,198
Don't you know, Roger?
I kiss your bloody arse, Roger!

435
00:25:27,448 --> 00:25:29,006
Hey, all right, cocker, eh?

436
00:25:29,048 --> 00:25:31,403
I wish I'd bloody well stayed here
with you,

437
00:25:31,448 --> 00:25:34,998
instead of downstairs with
big-gob Humpty Dumpty head Roger!

438
00:25:35,049 --> 00:25:37,005
Are you having this, Baby David?

439
00:25:37,049 --> 00:25:41,760
He's got a bloody yacht, a bloody Aston
bloody Martin, a bloody big house.

440
00:25:41,810 --> 00:25:45,246
He's got a box at Man United,
a box at bloody Manchester City.

441
00:25:45,290 --> 00:25:49,000
And he's got a lovely tart out in Hale,
and what have I got?

442
00:25:49,051 --> 00:25:53,967
I've got absolutely bloody nothing!
We haven't even got a bloody Dyson!

443
00:25:54,012 --> 00:25:58,642
No one would have loved to have got
implants for Barbara more than me.

444
00:25:58,692 --> 00:26:01,412
I'd have got so much enjoyment
out of them.

445
00:26:01,453 --> 00:26:03,569
But what have I got? Bloody nothing!

446
00:26:03,613 --> 00:26:07,573
Nothing, and never have had. Havert
got two halfpennies to rub together.

447
00:26:07,614 --> 00:26:09,969
I'm always bloody skint, I always will be.

448
00:26:10,014 --> 00:26:13,245
Where did it all go wrong, Baby David?

449
00:26:13,294 --> 00:26:15,206
Eurgh... grrrr!

450
00:26:15,255 --> 00:26:17,485
Isn't she lovely, Valerie?

451
00:26:17,535 --> 00:26:19,526
Oh, yeah.

452
00:26:20,576 --> 00:26:23,488
- She's beautiful, Valerie, irt she?
- Yeah.

453
00:26:23,536 --> 00:26:25,527
Mmm.

454
00:26:26,336 --> 00:26:28,646
- Barbara?
- Mmm?

455
00:26:28,697 --> 00:26:33,407
Barbara, do you know
who Valerie reminds me of?

456
00:26:33,457 --> 00:26:35,449
No, who, Mam?

457
00:26:35,498 --> 00:26:36,726
Me.

458
00:26:49,380 --> 00:26:51,371
Hmm.

459
00:26:51,420 --> 00:26:53,809
- Ooh, Denise.
- Hmm?

460
00:26:53,860 --> 00:26:57,615
- How the other half live!
- Mm.

461
00:26:58,821 --> 00:27:02,258
Arert you lucky, Ant, eh?
Marrying into that lot.

462
00:27:04,222 --> 00:27:06,019
Yeah.

463
00:27:09,423 --> 00:27:13,336
Mam, does Dad still think
we haven't got him a present this year?

464
00:27:13,383 --> 00:27:15,375
Yeah.

465
00:27:19,784 --> 00:27:22,253
... an enormous duvet
wrapped around them.

466
00:27:22,305 --> 00:27:24,341
And when they lie down in the snow,

467
00:27:24,385 --> 00:27:27,104
it doesn't even melt the snow they lie on.

468
00:27:27,145 --> 00:27:29,057
It's a nice, warm bed.

469
00:27:32,586 --> 00:27:35,704
These ones in this area are all male,
are they?

470
00:27:35,747 --> 00:27:37,897
They are, yes...

471
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:42,385
Dad, aren't you bothered that
we didn't get you anything this year?

472
00:27:42,428 --> 00:27:46,023
Huh! Why change the habit of a lifetime?

473
00:27:48,109 --> 00:27:51,897
Well, we all clubbed together,

474
00:27:51,949 --> 00:27:54,908
even Nana,

475
00:27:54,950 --> 00:27:57,418
and... we got you this.

476
00:28:02,071 --> 00:28:04,983
"To the best dad and husband
in the world.

477
00:28:05,031 --> 00:28:07,420
"From your loving family."

478
00:28:21,393 --> 00:28:24,067
Sky?

479
00:28:24,114 --> 00:28:28,266
Sky TV? You've got me Sky TV?

480
00:28:31,075 --> 00:28:33,066
200 channels?

481
00:28:35,235 --> 00:28:37,306
Roger, my arse!

482
00:28:38,196 --> 00:28:40,756
♪ So here it is

483
00:28:40,796 --> 00:28:42,833
♪ Merry Christmas

484
00:28:42,877 --> 00:28:47,029
♪ Everybody's having fun

485
00:28:48,077 --> 00:28:51,991
♪ Look to the future now

486
00:28:52,038 --> 00:28:58,672
♪ It's only just begun

487
00:28:58,719 --> 00:29:01,313
♪ So here it is

488
00:29:01,359 --> 00:29:03,316
♪ Merry Christmas

489
00:29:03,360 --> 00:29:07,114
♪ Everybody's having fun

490
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:12,316
♪ Look to the future now

491
00:29:12,361 --> 00:29:20,474
♪ It's only just begun ♪